Monday, November 9, 2015

Not ready to make nice.

I have felt unsure of how I would be able to get back into blogging after what I've recently went through in life. I'm still trying to figure out life after everything. It's almost pathetic that I wish I was the bad person in the whole thing. That would be so simple. I'd feel horrible for the choices I made and eventually I'd be over it an on to the next. 

It's frustrating that even after explaining that my mind starts thinking about how all the lies that were made and all the bullying he encouraged will never make him feel bad at all. I'm more than sick of allowing people to try and break me down for not realizing what he was doing. This is my time to be open. This is my time to speak the truth. I don't care who reads this. I'm done letting someone make me a fool when I gave absolutely everything.


For the past month or two I absolutely hated this quote. I made my mistakes, I should of behaved better.. However I changed a lot. I proved that I changed. While working things out I had absolutely no idea his friend and the friend's wife (that he has talked negatively about previous) were trying to hook him up with a teenager (one that he also talked very negatively about). Yes, a little girl that lacks experience in life. A little girl that wanted the world to know that she was going to win him.

This would be the time that I remind you that I was living at his house and we had another house in the works. We had plans for marriage, even made a room for our first future child. "What color should we paint the baby's room, or should we just do a neutral color and repaint when the time comes?" was his question multiple times. So the first time I heard about this little girl trying to "fight me for him" I laughed. 

Eventually I learned about his friend and the friends wife threatening me. Claiming they'd show up while he was at work and tell me to leave. Also telling him that I was probably baking desserts in attempts to poison him. Little did I know that he was a major part of this. He made them believe this.

It makes me feel weak that I believed his word. I'm sick daily thinking about how he'd come home early to cuddle and go to bed early with me. I had absolutely no idea at the time that he was trying to make other people bully me and I had no idea he was talking to a little girl. 

Confronting him about doubts only made situations more extreme. The way that he got his friends wife, this teenager and his sister to bully me on social media was sickening. I didn't want to believe it so I trusted him over and over again. I was dumb.

One day he decided to apologize for how bad he hurt me. He held me and tried to make me feel better.. he left shortly after and didn't come home that night. 

The truth is, he told everyone we had already broken up, months ago. Would come home to a clean house and want to cuddle and be romantic with me. He used me and was completely okay with it.

I had absolutely no idea the things he was saying about me because he was being more into me than I was into him. I had doubts in my mind and I should of trusted them, but it was hard for me to think that the person I thought he was could be such a hurtful liar. 

I packed my stuff and left although he has told everyone he kicked me out. I'll let him say what he wants. This young girl is going to learn a hard lesson, but she earned her win. 

He's called me on the phone and apologized and talked to me like the person I thought he was, but in any text or email he tries to act like some tough guy and accuse me of things that don't make sense and it's officially clear that he was trying to make me out to be the bad person.

And maybe one day, he'll find out what it's like when the tables are turned. To be honest, I don't care. Karma can take over. The hurt I've gone through will never be forgiven. I did far too much in the relationship and the house. He'll never be a man in my eyes.

The last time I saw him was the beginning of November and we woke up, he kept kissing me and I reminded him that this would be the last time and he kept saying, "Stop. That's not true".. hmm. Not sure how someone that can say that and is already talking to someone days later.

It's no longer my concern. I was made the bad person and the fool. Truth is, liars will lie. Cheaters will cheat. It's sick. I've lost far too much weight. The past 1-4 years I've been between 125-128lbs.. I went from 126lbs to 113lbs (I'll only weight myself at the end of the day lately, so it might be less) in a little over a month. I'm not happy with it and I'm doing my best to be healthy and fit, but it's hard constantly being sick from being lied to for so long and cheated on.

I did plan on giving more details, but I think I did a good enough job. At the end of the day, I'm so thankful that I'm done with someone like that. It hurts that I was lied to and hurt so bad. However, he could never be close to the person that I thought he was. So while he convinces everyone I'm obsessed with him and whatever else.. I'm even more grateful that he lied about much more than I'm going to explain to the public since I'm still unsure and don't know if specific things are current legal issues. 

At the end of the day, I'm hurt and I feel like a complete fool. However, I'm more than grateful that I'm not going to be making a life with someone that I never actually knew. All I know is that I'm no longer his fool.

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