Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Somethings you can't see until it gets too late.

As a blogger, I should carefully think out posts. I should learn to edit things so they sound just right. However, I'm not a blogger. I'm just a chick with a blog. I don't want people to read my posts and feel like I live this glamorous life and I'm always happy. If I can have a few too many beers or get really angry and just write a post that people can relate to because it's real emotion, then my job as a "blogger" is done. 

I found that a lot of people want to know about things in my past relationship, but they don't know how to ask. They don't know if they should bring it up or just hint around to see if I'll open up. Yes, I was very nice on my blog about the dude. 

I tried so hard to word everything so I wouldn't have to deal with him bugging me while I'm on a date, watching a movie at my dude friend's house, while I'm trying to sleep or while I'm breathing. That clearly didn't happen. Let's be honest, it doesn't matter what you do for a man with no respect for women. Someone like that takes pride in trying to hurt you and loves to be this big badass dude who isn't going to do anything if it makes things peaceful, but then turns it all around on you. 

I spent over a year wanting out of that three year relationship. I was so damn unhappy. I allowed myself to stay. I was so unhappy with myself. Things ended up getting so damn bad between us. For probably a good 6 months before I finally gave up, I felt guilty because I felt like I truly hated him. I didn't want to be around him, yet I wanted to work on things. Then when we'd start talking about things he'd give me attitude and I was back to hating him. I didn't know how to leave. It was pretty easy when one night we got into a fight, he dropped me off a few blocks from my parents house and called my parents at 2am to tell them I was on drugs (I've never done drugs) and wandering the streets. When he told me he did that, he refused to tell my parents he just said that because he was mad. So, that was a night from hell. What a gem that dude was.

I felt the need to write this because people keep asking me if I'm okay. I'm absolutely okay with not being tied down to someone so awful. Am I still angry that someone could be so shitty to another person? Absolutely. I won't take back a single thing I did. I won't take back the thousands and thousands of dollars I spent. Because I am finally free. I am finally out of the hell that I tried to pretend was a relationship. 

I also understand that people may feel like this post wasn't a great way to take the highroad. I'm not airing out his secrets. I'm not even giving great detail on how shitty I was treated. I've been honest and this will most likely be the last post when I'm getting a little more honest about this crap. Break-ups can be hard. For me, I never want him back. I never want to be in that kind of relationship again. I want to be happy. It can still be hard to deal with because this isn't about getting over someone I wanted so badly, it's about rebuilding myself and understanding that I am so much more than how he wanted to make me feel. Sometimes it takes admitting to people what was really going on. 

No one deserves to feel worthless. No one deserves to feel bad about guys hitting on you, simply because your with someone who is trying to make you feel ugly. I am the most faithful and honest person, I was straight up rude to people who barely hit on me. If you're reading this and can relate to anything I've said, do not ever allow yourself to feel weak. Do not let someone take away from he amazing person that you are. It's hard to rebuild yourself. It's hard to feel happy even when you get someone so toxic out of your life. 

It's all possible. I'm feeling more happy with who I am. I'm learning to deal with a lot of things I can't mention. I know that after where I've been the past 3 years, the only thing I can do is keep moving forwards. I have a lot of things going for me and I can't wait to share them on my blog once the time is right. Thank you all for understanding my rants these past few months.

1 comment:

  1. Relationships are weird. I've definitely been in situations that I know aren't kosher yet have trouble leaving, I feel ya. But happy you're out!

    XO, Samm


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