Saturday, April 13, 2013
Trust your struggle.
Just a quick warning that this post may get a little longer than I planned. But, it needs to be said.
Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of personal things that have ruined my motivation for blogging. Then there was so much drama in the blog world. I honestly felt like I was done with the whole blogging thing. The past month or two I feel like I can't win. I feel that if something could go wrong, it will. I haven't been happy lately. I couldn't even turn to writing because I didn't want to admit that I've been having a really hard time with pretty much everything. I've been negative, I've been a bitch, I've been emotional. I've been a hot mess.
I'm 21 years old and honestly, sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really living my life the way most 21 year olds live. I don't go out much. I really don't have the time to. But I'm working and I'm going to school. I'll be done with my program when I'm about 23 or 24. I have so much I want to do with my life. I want to travel, move, party and overall enjoy my twenties. I'm going to do that.
Last weekend I had the time to talk to a lot of people who are in their late 20's to early 30's and were able to give me a lot of great advice on life. Every single one of them reminded me that I'm young. I was reminded that I need to live my life to the fullest and start experiences things. I also took away a lot from a conversation I had with someone who doesn't really know me other than meeting me once before at a party. They told me that they can tell that I'm someone who is more concerned with other people's happiness than I am my own. I was reminded that it's okay to put myself first especially when a lot of the people I put before me don't do the same in return.
I absolutely can be hardheaded at times. It depends on the situation. However, there are a lot of times I consider other people's happiness way before I consider my own. And I'm finally at the point that I can see it and it's really not fair to me.
I wish that I could fill you all in on the entire situation that started all this, but I don't think right now is the right time to do that because I don't know who reads my blog. I spent a lot of time angry that these people could allow me to hurt and to make me look like the bad person because I wasn't happy for someone when they all completely blindsided me. I considered walking away from them. Which only made me the bad person even more in their eyes.
At this point, I actually have no idea what I'm going to do. Could I forgive them? I probably could. Are they ever going to see the situation for what it really was and make things right? I'm willing to bet the answer is no. What's pathetic is that all I can keep thinking about is how I tried so hard, how I did so much and how that really doesn't matter to them anymore. I've been told I was wrong over and over. I'm not wrong. What's wrong is treating someone like nothing, hiding things, lying and not being able to take responsibility for your mistakes. I can't make any of them see or feel what they don't. But, when you care so much about certain people it's easier to think about what I can do to try and get them to see it than it is for me to just walk away. Yes, I'm wrong for that.
What I need to do is start doing what's best for me. Sitting around waiting for a sincere apology that I'm never going to get is just holding me back. I feel that all of this has really taught me a lot about myself. It taught me a lot about the people in my life. My happiness needs to be more important to me. They made me the bad person in their heads. I'm the crazy one for feeling hurt and betrayed. I can't change them. I can change me. I can make sure that I'm happy and that I'm doing the things that I want with my life. Whatever happens, happens. I just have to keep myself happy and moving forward and as my permeant reminder on my hip says, "Trust Your Struggle."
Posted at 3:31 PM