Some days I sit down to write a blog post and I can’t seem to find the right words to say. I find myself wanting to say something that will catch everyone’s attention. Other times, I find myself just typing away and saving it as a draft. I have so many drafts that I have never posted because by the next day I start questioning them.
There are specific people from my past as well as Lucas’ past that I know still obsessively check up on my social networking sites. It really bothers me. Sometimes I hold back because I wish those people didn’t know anything going on in my life. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I hold back a lot. Good times, future plans.. a lot.
I don’t feel like holding back anymore.
See, my biggest issue is that I overthink everything. Absolutely everything. Before Luke, I could never stay interested in a guy because I would just keep thinking until I finally was so over that person. I do it with many situations.
Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of bloggers talking about having anxiety. I didn’t want to make a whole post about it because I feel like I have a decently “normal” level of anxiety. Then I decided to just go with it and say whatever it is that I want to.
I used to have panic attacks all the time. I used to be so unhappy with where I was in life. Once again, since I’ve been with Lucas it’s all changed. I’m not even trying to be all “he's the reason I love life”.. but, if you know about my past you’ll understand how much my life has changed simply because he forced me to do what makes me happy. He never lets me give excuses about why I’m not living my life how I want to live it.
I could count on one hand the amount of panic attacks I’ve had in the past 2.5 years. But, it still happens. My thoughts sometimes keep me up at night. My thoughts sometimes prevent me from going forward with something. My thoughts sometimes get the best of me.
Sometimes, when I’m thinking too much.. I literally feel insane. I’ll be laying in bed with a million things on my mind. Then I’ll send Lucas an obnoxiously long text, while he’s at work.. (don’t worry, I’m not THAT crazy. I kno he won’t actually see it until he’s on his way home… he keeps his phone in a locker because it’s so cold that his phone would break), about how sorry I am for that time 2 weeks ago that I was being a brat because he couldn’t read my mind about dinner… Something stupid. The thing is, Lucas never gets mad. I can be a complete diva and he just lets it slide. Then days later I feel awful.
I also overthink things that I can’t change. Situations that happened in the past. I am more than content with the life I have now but, for whatever reason I’ll think of things I could of done different. I know that all the things I’ve gone through were necessary so that I could be who I am now. So, I can’t even explain why I think about anything in my past. Maybe, sometimes it’s hard to accept that I settled for so little and allowed people to treat me so horribly.
But, it’s not always huge drastic things that make me anxious… sometimes it’s dumb little things like…
Checking my straightener/curling iron 14 times to see if it’s REALLY off.
Making sure that my rings are where I put them every night before bed. & repeat.
Talking on the phone.
When I see a cop. Even though my dad is a cop and I’ve never been in trouble with the law.
When I’m home alone and someone is at the door.
Taking a tain/subway. Luke and I did this TWICE in Chicago from our hotel to a concert.. never again!!
Crowds. I have a panic attack every time but, after hockey game crowds have forced me to control this.
Standing by a large body of water, ship or plane. Being in any of them I’m fine with. I hate feeling small.
Snakes. I cry hysterically when I see a picture of one.
Going down escalators. I fell down a HUGE one when I was like 5.. Lucas has to hold my hand & talk me through it.
For me, these things are so normal to get anxious about. But, sometimes people will tell me how weird it is that certain things give me anxiety. We all get anxiety I think it’s just how we deal with it is the main issue. I don’t think that medication would ever be for me. I know it works wonders for many people. I don’t think my anxiety is ever something I can’t control.
Most of the time, I just have to sit back and take a few deep breathes and not let something get the best of me.
It’s obviously easier said than done but, it’s totally possible.
What about you? What makes you anxious? How do you deal with anxiety?