Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I’m anxious…


Some days I sit down to write a blog post and I can’t seem to find the right words to say. I find myself wanting to say something that will catch everyone’s attention. Other times, I find myself just typing away and saving it as a draft. I have so many drafts that I have never posted because by the next day I start questioning them.

There are specific people from my past as well as Lucas’ past that I know still obsessively check up on my social networking sites. It really bothers me. Sometimes I hold back because I wish those people didn’t know anything going on in my life. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I hold back a lot. Good times, future plans.. a lot.

I don’t feel like holding back anymore.

See, my biggest issue is that I overthink everything. Absolutely everything. Before Luke, I could never stay interested in a guy because I would just keep thinking until I finally was so over that person. I do it with many situations.

Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of bloggers talking about having anxiety. I didn’t want to make a whole post about it because I feel like I have a decently “normal” level of anxiety. Then I decided to just go with it and say whatever it is that I want to.

I used to have panic attacks all the time. I used to be so unhappy with where I was in life. Once again, since I’ve been with Lucas it’s all changed. I’m not even trying to be all “he's the reason I love life”.. but, if you know about my past you’ll understand how much my life has changed simply because he forced me to do what makes me happy. He never lets me give excuses about why I’m not living my life how I want to live it.

I could count on one hand the amount of panic attacks I’ve had in the past 2.5 years. But, it still happens. My thoughts sometimes keep me up at night. My thoughts sometimes prevent me from going forward with something. My thoughts sometimes get the best of me.

Sometimes, when I’m thinking too much.. I literally feel insane. I’ll be laying in bed with a million things on my mind. Then I’ll send Lucas an obnoxiously long text, while he’s at work.. (don’t worry, I’m not THAT crazy. I kno he won’t actually see it until he’s on his way home… he keeps his phone in a locker because it’s so cold that his phone would break), about how sorry I am for that time 2 weeks ago that I was being a brat because he couldn’t read my mind about dinner… Something stupid. The thing is, Lucas never gets mad. I can be a complete diva and he just lets it slide. Then days later I feel awful.

I also overthink things that I can’t change. Situations that happened in the past. I am more than content with the life I have now but, for whatever reason I’ll think of things I could of done different. I know that all the things I’ve gone through were necessary so that I could be who I am now. So, I can’t even explain why I think about anything in my past. Maybe, sometimes it’s hard to accept that I settled for so little and allowed people to treat me so horribly.

But, it’s not always huge drastic things that make me anxious… sometimes it’s dumb little things like…

Checking my straightener/curling iron 14 times to see if it’s REALLY off.
Making sure that my rings are where I put them every night before bed. & repeat.
Talking on the phone.
When I see a cop. Even though my dad is a cop and I’ve never been in trouble with the law.
When I’m home alone and someone is at the door.
Taking a tain/subway. Luke and I did this TWICE in Chicago from our hotel to a concert.. never again!!
Crowds. I have a panic attack every time but, after hockey game crowds have forced me to control this.
Standing by a large body of water, ship or plane. Being in any of them I’m fine with. I hate feeling small.
Snakes. I cry hysterically when I see a picture of one.
Time limits.
Going down escalators. I fell down a HUGE one when I was like 5.. Lucas has to hold my hand & talk me through it.

For me, these things are so normal to get anxious about. But, sometimes people will tell me how weird it is that certain things give me anxiety. We all get anxiety I think it’s just how we deal with it is the main issue. I don’t think that medication would ever be for me. I know it works wonders for many people. I don’t think my anxiety is ever something I can’t control.

Most of the time, I just have to sit back and take a few deep breathes and not let something get the best of me.
It’s obviously easier said than done but, it’s totally possible.

What about you? What makes you anxious? How do you deal with anxiety?


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  1. I really don't get anxiety over anything. Maybe only when I have to confront someone who is important to me. I commend you for writing, and posting, this. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

    As for creepers from your past. There is nothing to say other than they are jealous or envious. Otherwise why would they be checking up on you all the time. Live your life and ignore them!

  2. I will check and recheck (& repeat, & repeat, etc..) my straightener -when I use it-, the oven, heaters, (anything that could pose a danger to the house) to make sure they are off or unplugged.
    I also have to check, & recheck to see be sure the doors are locked at night.
    I sometimes have to visually see all of my animals in the house to be sure they are all in before bed, so I will walk through my whole house just to *see* them.
    I've become a very anxious/timid driver over the past couple of years because people are so careless nowadays.
    Crowds, it varies...sometimes I'm okay, sometimes I'm not. I think it depends on the situation.
    I don't like change of just about any kind..some is okay, but a lot of it bugs me.
    I'm the same as you with my rings, and the same as you about cops. (PARANOIA!)
    I also over think things wayyyy too much, it's crippling! And I completely understand how you feel about your thoughts keeping you up at night, getting the best of you, etc. I feel insane on a regular basis sometimes.
    I also don't feel like I need medication, it's pretty manageable unless I get SUPER overwhelmed, and then I just need alone time.
    You are definitely not alone! & Don't feel ashamed to talk about it. Some may think you're crazy, but others will relate, like me. :)
    As for Facebook...I have started realizing I'm like that also. I'll avoid posting things for the simple fact that it's my business and as much as I may want to share it, there may be ONE person I don't want seeing it; but I don't want to delete them or whatever.
    And dealing with it -anxiety- varies from talking to my hubs, or best friend, or parents, to crying, to sleep, to writing about it, to shutting down(<-because of that one I'm easily depressed at times), to just choosing that it's not worth the bother, lol. It all depends.
    Anyways, sorry I wrote you a story! lol
    Have a good one!
    -Brandy @ Sissy-Fits.blogspot.com

  3. Proud of you for writing this. I wrote a post about depression yesterday and anxiety goes hand in hand with it. I hate crowds, small spaces, and most of the time driving. I slow way down at lights and 4 ways because I'm always terrified somebody isn't going to stop. Panic attacks blow, there is nothing scarier than that shit. I lay in bed panicking about things. I feel ya!

  4. I also struggle with anxiety. I tend to overthink EVERYTHING! I have to make sure everything's turned off before I leave the house. I'll even go back to check even when I get in my car. I have to make sure that everything is locked before I can even think about going to sleep at night. I hate being in huge crowds. I'm obsessed with the time. I'm always looking at the clock. I used to have panic attacks a lot, but thankfully, they have lessened in the past couple of years. You're definitely not alone!

  5. I get anxiety bad, I freak out, lock my self in the bathroom, cry and then act like nothing happened. Don't do that, it's not healthy, but it's something I've grown accustomed to myself. My husband has a bad temper (he would never hurt me but he likes to break things when he is mad), I can't take it. I over think everything as well, and assume things wayyyy too often. You're not alone, there are many of us out here that are looking for solutions just like yourself.
    If you find the answers please let your fellow readers know.

  6. Crowds make me anxious, I had a full on panic attack in a Forever21 in San Francisco because it was so crowded. I also hate when my co workers stand behind my desk and talk loudly over each other and chatter like 12 year old girls, it makes me freak out. I panic when I see a spider. I could go on but these are some of the main things....

  7. I have horrible anxiety sometimes. It drives me insane and honestly contributes a lot to my depression. I get the most anxious about medical things. Taking new medications, for example. It's horrible. I'll feel like I'm having a heart attack. I'll get lightheaded. All because of anxiety.

    I just discovered your blog, and I absolutely love it! I hope you have a great Christmas!


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