Sunday, September 25, 2011

All that I need is right here. Holding you, holds me together.

I'm worn out. I'm absolutely exhausted. I don't even feel like wasting this energy to type this, but since I'm already slacking with this blog.. I'm updating. I'll try and actually make a good post tomorrow.

Alright so one thing real quick I just want to mention, since it was a good laugh. So, I deleted my formspring because I was so damn sick of getting questions about mine and Lucas' pasts. Let's be honest how many people would care about that? Exactly. Yesterday I get an "anonymous" tumblr message going on and on about how every post I write is about Lucas' ex girlfriend and I'm so insecure about my relationship. And it honestly freaked me out. I started thinking about it, there is someone out there that honestly reads my blogs and truly believes that I would take time out of my life to write about them. It's sad to me that people can read something so negative and be so insecure with who they are and think that statement is directed only towards them. It makes me think back to when AIM was the cool thing to do at 2am. I always had that one friend who would jump down my throat any time I'd have an away message along the lines of, "People are so annoying". I'd get 20 instant messages about how she KNEW it was about her. I also didn't understand why I'd care about my man's EX? If someone from his past was anything compared to me, he wouldn't of left them for good to spend the rest of his life with me. When Lucas and I first started dating, he had walls built up so high I thought I'd never have a chance. He flat out told me things (positive things) he would "never" do in a relationship. I thought for sure he'd never commit to me forever. It took a little bit of time the walls to come down.. Actually now that we're were we are, he wants to do the stupid little kid shit he used to act too good for, he suggests we go to the places he never originally wanted to go to. He's open with his feelings. He can write me the most meaningful note and make me cry because it's so amazing. He never let those walls down for anyone. If he was to tell me he lived with someone for 5 years and they were engaged for 2 years and planning their wedding, from the bottom of my heart I could tell you he was not as serious about her as me and that his feelings for her never could compare to how he feels about me. He has never looked at any girl the way he looks at me, he could never want another girl the way he wants me. He's my best friend. We tell each other absolutely everything. He makes me feel so happy and so beautiful. He treats me like a queen, 24/7. I could never find a reason to be insecure around Lucas and I sure as hell don't have a reason to care about something from his past that didn't even matter enough for him to keep it around. If anyone insists that every single one of my negative posts is about them, then change yourself because that's one horrible life you're living. I will never be sorry for being raised to believe what I believe. I am so grateful for the life I live and the path I'm taking. I'm not embarrassed that I'm terrified of some areas. I grew up in a neighborhood that took pride in where they live. If a neighbor didn't spend time every day doing yard work, they'd have a landscaping and lawn service come out a few times a week. All the neighbors gossip and act like their from Desperate Housewives. Growing up I had friends that I wouldn't stay the night at their house because I didn't feel safe in that area. I don't really think there is anything wrong with that. All I'm saying is, I was raised by hard working parents who showed me that if you want something, work for it and you'll have it.   It's actually funny because the two things that always seem to offend people the most is if I say anything negative about people who have babies young or a bad area. I have a step sister who had a baby at 18, I work with girls who had babies young, about 30% of the girls I graduated with had a baby or are currently knocked up.. oh and not to mention MTV is obsessed with young girls and pregnancy. If you are a mom and you get worked up by me making a comment about bad parenting and people that shouldn't be a parent... then apparently you are finding out yourself that you're not a good parent. If I was knocked up and someone said "Why do young girls think it's cool to have a baby? A baby isn't an accessory stop being selfish, grow up and realize that someone's life is in your hands." I would never think that statement is about me. Because when I have a baby, I will devote my entire life to that baby.. a LOT of mom's do that. But yeah, in all honesty it makes me sick to see how a lot of girls are with their babies. When I was a baby, the only time my mom was away from me was when she had to work. There are girls out there who have a baby and don't even have their own house or a full time job with benefits. But in this day and age it's wrong for me to think that it's absolutely crazy to just wing it. I'm this horrible person because I'm grateful that I will never be the girl struggling to buy diapers, or a single mom, I won't ever look back and wish I had time to be young or I'll never look back and wish I wouldn't of neglected my child so I could "be young" and I will never have to get upset by a general statement about bad parents, because I will be able to provide every single thing for my family and my child. But anyways, as I've always said.. if you get offended by my thoughts.. don't read my stuff. If I don't talk to you, if I'd never be your friend if you paid me.. chances are I don't want you to stalk my life.. therefor a statement that could be about so many people would never be about you. I'm a very honest person, I own up to everything I do and say. If anyone else is oh so devastated about general statements I make and if you insist that it's about you, and only you.. please contact me.. But, have some self respect and don't do it anonymously.

OKAY, I'm all done ;) Lucas is at work.. so I'm getting in bed super early and watching netflix until I fall asleep. Goodnight <3

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